He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
