You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
