apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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