my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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