how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
