I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
