I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
