where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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