I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
