Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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