I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
