Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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