He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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