Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
there is puke in my bra ... again
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