I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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