if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
