all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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