i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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