hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
