I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
