This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
