I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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