if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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