my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
