My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
