Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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