2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
