sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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