Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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