Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman