i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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