True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
