I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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