I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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