I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
