I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
