fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
