Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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