A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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