apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
