Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the day after is always just damage control
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
