Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
