So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
