I have demons in me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
