Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
