somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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