Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
