i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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