I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
