I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
