And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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