Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
