atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
