The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
