Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
