Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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