I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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