So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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