I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
