Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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