She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize