It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
