Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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