I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i now understand why vodka
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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