Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
